True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
