i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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