I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
