I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i've created a new STD.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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