At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
