My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
