There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
