i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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