no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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