Small penises have feelings too.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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