No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He better not be in your backpack
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
