Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize