just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
