There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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