since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
