i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
