If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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