my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
