I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize