I accidentally had phone sex last night
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
