Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
