I only kidnapped one of them. chill
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
