One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
