Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
