Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
