My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
