I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize