so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
