Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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