i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
