Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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