i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
