you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
