he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
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