We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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