The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize