Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
