I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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