I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
