that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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