Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
