Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
