He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
