So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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