Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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