Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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