Soap is not a condiment
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
