Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
