Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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