my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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