Are we in a gay sports bar?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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