i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
