I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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