I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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