I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize