burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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