I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
