You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
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