My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
